Ups Outweigh Downs, Film at 11

Synopsis:
Four-day weekend! New friends and pro softball! Where the *&%#! is my wallet. The police know my name? Late night phone calls and the DMV. Madison and Kabul! Pie! Tunnels! Best kayaking ever. More biking, sunshine and bread pudding.

So, overall, the positives far outweighed the frustrations, plus it was interesting to learn that you can cancel your life in less time than it takes to replace a driver's license at the DMV.

It all started Thursday night when we met some new friends at Judson College (sorry...University) for a Chicago Bandits game. The crowd was sparse so we got moved to the VIP seating (which consists of rickety folding chairs behind home plate...yes, it's professional sports, but it's women's professional sports). In the process of moving and saving seats for the two friends, I lost my wallet. But of course I didn't notice 'til I got home. Lenore and I rushed back to the ball field and arrived just as the last floodlight went out. Sigh. Flashlight search...nothin'. Swearing and gnashing of teeth followed by about an hour of phone calls to credit union, credit card companies and, upon advice of helpful credit card people, a trip to the police dept. to file a report. Brief aside: I know I live in a small town, but I didn't expect the police officer to know my name and address. Hmmmm.


Not wanting to travel out of state w/out a license, I went to the dreaded DMV the next morning, arriving before 8 a.m. in hopes of beating the crowds. No such luck. There was a loooong line, and it moved ever so slowly. FINALLY, after about 30 minutes to 3 hours, I can't be sure, it's my turn with the gatekeeper. And let me just say any stereotype you've ever seen on TV or read about r.e. the DMV is so totally true. Except the gatekeeper only had one head. But all the rest? Totally true.

I was almost smug in my foresight to bring my passport; however, since it was a newly renewed passport, I did not notice or think about the page you're supposed to sign. So the gatekeeper was all, "I need something with a signature."
Blink.
"Um..but that's my passport. It's got my picture in it and everything...see, right there, that's me."
"But it's not signed."
(Fantasy response: "How about I sign your cast after I break your arm?")
"OK, hand me a pen and I'll sign it."
"I can't do that."
Blink. There was a stern sign hanging right above my head about how you could be sent to Gitmo for trying to bribe DMV people. Plus, I didn't have any money save for a $5 bill to pay the fee. So I just stared at her. Roland once told me the first person to talk in salary negotiations loses, so I figured maybe the technique could transfer. It worked!
(resigned sigh on her part)
"I'm not supposed to tell you this, but if you want to sign it over there and get back in line..."
Blink. Back in line?
"Can I borrow your pen?"
(Brief debate over whether or not I could borrow a pen, which I also WON, all the while chewing my lower lip so as not to bellow "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????")
Back to the end of the now longer line than when I started.

Fast forward to me getting past the gate keeper with my little deli-line paper number that is A009. And they just called A006. Sweet! Maybe I'll get out of here in under an hour and a half.
"Now serving E476 at counter 2"
Huh?
"Now serving B007 at counter 3"
WTF?
"Now serving B973 at counter 1"
Yes, the DMV numbering system is apparently on loan from the BINGO hall down the street.
Then I notice the guy who was in front of me originally (the first time through the line) who just wanted to renew his state ID was still sitting there.
"Now serving E232 at counter 3."

More gnashing of teeth...

Fast forward a mere half hour later...and they called my number!!
I fairly skipped up to the counter for my coveted time with surly DMV lady #2. BTW, it is in the DMV handbook not to make eye contact or smile. Ever. It's true, I Googled it.

Next stop, surly DMV lady #3 to pay my $5. Only she was busy having an argument with surly DMV lady #4 about whether or not she could take the time out of her busy routine to fold tests in half. Seriously. I memorized their conversation.
"Can you please fold the tests in half before ... (inaudible)"
"No, I'm not going to do that, it's too much work!"
"But I need the tests folded ... (inaudible) because then it's easier...(inaudible)"
"I don't have time for that! It's too much work!"
"To fold a piece of paper?!"
"Don't raise your voice...(inaudible)"
At this point I surreptitiously looked around for some hidden TV cameras. Then I cleared my throat.
"Um...if I could just pay for..."
Surly DMV lady #4 stomps off and I have the full, albeit indifferent attention of surly DMV lady #3. It was everything I thought it would be and more.

Next stop, the photo booth. (Where I DID NOT even get a new photo!!)
From cashier to non photo and getting a new license, it took about 5 minutes. It's heartening to know my tax dollars are feeding such an well-oiled machine of efficiency.

Shiny new license in hand, only an hour or so behind schedule and feeling a little more relaxed, I went home to pack the car while Lenore called the Bandits home office on the off chance that someone had turned in my wallet. They had my wallet. That was my plan all along of course. Had I not gone through the trouble of cancelling my credit cards, spending $29 dollars to cancel 3 checks and getting a new license, I'd be the proud "owner" of a muscle car and 37 cell phones right now.

OK then. So at least I got back my weekend cash, my Starbucks card (!), and the Border's gift card from Odie that I had been carrying around and savoring for a rainy day. I was out $29 for stopping payment on a couple of blank checks, $5 and about 2 hours in my life. Not too bad I guess.

And then we had a splendid weekend via Madison, Wilton and Ontario, WI, which included the huge and always fascinating farmer's market, pie, bike riding, pie, kayaking and more pie. Pictures coming soon!